I must
be dreaming
Do
you know who you're friends are and what they say
Do you know what's coming round again and again?
Do you know if you're acting like someone else?
Do you know if it's dangerous or the safest bet?
Cause I'm here waiting for
I'm here changing more.
Consider me, consider you, consider the world
And what we put it through
Do you know what's coming round again and again?
Do you know if you're acting like someone else?
Do you know if it's dangerous or the safest bet?
Cause I'm here waiting for
I'm here changing more.
Consider me, consider you, consider the world
And what we put it through
Is
it always the same or just moving along?
Do you have to put that face up to act strong?
And I can't take anymore, but I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.
Do you have to put that face up to act strong?
And I can't take anymore, but I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.
…
You are your
own worst enemy.
She has
never ever believed that statement more than she does at this
particular moment.
Because,
however sad it may be. It's still very, very true.
Julie
stares intently at her laptop screen, her left pyjama glad leg tucked
in underneath her. The light from the screen shines dimly in the
otherwise dark room.
Her mind
races just as quickly as her eyes flit back and forth over the
articles she has long ago since memorized.
She doesn't
focus on what she's reading, she can't, because her eyes see text but
her mind is too wrecked to comprehend anything else, except maybe for
the creaking of her chair in time with movements of her leg-
Up-Down;
back-forth; up-down...
Her stomach
pangs and she swallows hard, the gulping sound the only other
distinguishable sound, other then the soft whirring of the laptop, in
her room.
She flexes
her fingers and inhales deeply. She can feel tension in her body -
knotting up in her shoulders -
She's
stressed.
It's the
reason she can't sleep. The reason why everytime she tries to eat
something, she feels like she's about to puke her guts out.
Julie
glances at the clock in the corner of her screen and lets out a low
sigh.
06:00
Two hours
till she has to get to work.
Her leg
stops moving and she sits back in her chair. Brown eyes turn back to
the article, staying glued to the screen.
She doesn't
want to look away.
Correction.
She can't look
away.
Because if
she does, then she'll look at it.
And she
doesn't want to see it... not today.
Today, when
her past starts his new job as her new lieutenant.
She just
wants to get through today without having to think back at how happy
they were... all four of them.
Her best
friend and partner.
Her best
friend and her partner's girlfriend.
Herself...
… And
her then fiancé... Mark.
It's almost
hard for her to believe that once upon a time... they really were
happy.
She's being
childish!
Ugh! Maybe
it's because of the lack of sleep?
Who knows?
She leans
forward with her head on her desk and, while closing her eyes, she
slaps her hand out at it. Knocking the framed photo off of her desk.
She doesn't open her eyes until she hears it clatter to the ground
and when it does, a warm feeling erupts in her stomach.
A warm
feeling that is soon squelched when his voice echo's
in her head.
“I
can't do this anymore. Too much has happened and you... you've
changed.”
She lifts
her head and scrubs a hand through hair while pushing herself away
from the desk.
Well, of
course she's changed... she was held captive and tortured for three
days.
She walks
over to the window.
You can't
really live through something like that and not change.
'No' She
thinks, turning away from the window.
She's done
with him and trying to figure out the past... she now has to start
trying to survive working with him for who knows how long.
Julie takes
a deep breath, trying to clear her thoughts of the memories. She
needs to get ready for work anyway.
She doesn't
look down at the picture of the smiling people she barely even
recognizes anymore, when she walks past it towards the door.
…
“My
sister didn't sleep again last night...” Fourteen year old Carli
says, not looking up from the piece of toast she has been pecking at
for the last fifteen minutes.
Samantha
and Alex, however, both look up from their respective cups of coffee
to look at the teen before sharing a concerned look.
“She
tries to act like nothings wrong.” This time, she does look up to
give them each a dark glare “But I'm not a scared little girl
anymore. I know she's stressed about something. And I know you guys
know what the hell it is that she's so worried about.”
Before
anyone can say a word, Julie walks into the kitchen. She raises an
eyebrow at the silence. Their worried...great.
She walks
over to the coffee machine to fill her travle mug. She's late. There
isn't time to drink a relaxing cup and she doesn't usually eat
breakfast.
“Carli,
do you need us to drop you off at school?” She asks, turning around
to face her family after filling her mug.
Carli
shakes her head and pushes herself away from the table with a sigh,
her breakfast now forgotten “No, it's fine. I'm getting a ride from
Anna. But thanks.”
Julie nods,
her eyes never leaving her baby sister as she grabs her school and
clothes bag. Swinging one over her shoulder and clutching the other
tightly in her left hand “You staying over at Anna's?” She
questions, eyeing the clothes bag questioningly.
“Yes...
I told you yesterday remember?” Her sister gives her a weird look
and Julie winches.
Crap.
She's so
tired that she forgot about that.
“Uh,
yeah. Of course I remember. Sorry.” She heads over to Carli and
gives her a one armed hug “Enjoy it.” She tries to play it off as
nothing, but she doesn't miss the worried glance shared by Sam and
Alex...
She can
only imagen Carli's look.
A car horn
blares outside and she pulls away from Carli with a small smile
“Enjoy it. Let me know as soon as you get there.”
Carli rolls
her eyes but nods “Okay. See you guys later.” She waves at Sam
and Alex before walking out of the door, leaving the rest in awkward
silence.
Julie looks
down at her mug and Alex stands up with a sigh.
He hates
seeing his best friend like this, so he looks at his girlfriend
“Okay, you two ready to go?”
…
“You
don't have to come up with me you know. I'm a big girl, I'll be
fine.” Julie bluffs, turning to Samantha as they clamber out of
Julie's car.
Sam rolls
her eyes and throws her friend a pointed glare as she closes the door
behind her, hard enough to make Julie cringe at the sound “You
know, for such a good detective, you really are a terrible
liar. He's going to be up there, and I would be the
worst best friend in history if I let you go up there alone...”
Turning around, Samantha grins at Julie wryly “So yeah, I am coming
with you.”
Bluff =
Epic Fail.
“But
I'm not going up alone.” Right, time to try another tactic. Julie
throws her arm around Alex's shoulder “Alex will be with me every
step of the way.”
But Sam
doesn't even look back at Julie or her boyfriend. Her always
determined stride and the loud tapping of her heels on the stone
pavement as she heads into the precinct, leaves no room for argument
and Julie silently glares at her disappearing back
“So
what? You're just going to come up there with me forever?!” She
can't help but call after her, but sadly the only response she gets,
is weird glances from the police officers walking past her and she
rolls her eyes with a scoff.
Swiping a
lock of brown hair behind her ear, Julie lets out a low, frustrated
sigh. Samantha's right again.... as always.
Damn her.
She starts
for the building, grateful for Alex staying close to her.
…
“You
can do this. You've moved on. You can do this.”
Julie has
been repeating this mental mantra to herself ever since they walked
into the building.
So what if
Sam was right about her lying about being fine? She was still a grown
woman and a detective. And the man that left her with nothing but a
fractured heart was only her new lieutenant.
So what?
It'll be
fine.
She doesn't
know about him. But she's a professional and she would act and treat
him as a fellow professional.
“I'll
be fine.” She mutters out loud and both Sam and Alex casts
supportive and worried glances in her direction, not saying a word
further on the matter.
Still, even
with all her brave talk, she's unable to stop her heart from beating
like a frikken freight train at the thought of seeing him again
after almost four years.
And as the
elevator doors open and the first voice they hear amongst the
bustling of their co-workers is his voice, she can't
help the way her body stiffens almost instinctively.
For a
minute she stands. Frozen in the shock his voice has instilled in
her.
Mark. He's
really here. After four years... she's really going to see him again.
Maybe now she'll finally get the change to ask him the questions that
have been eating at her since he first broke her heart and married
another woman.
Jumping as
Sam takes her hand, snapping her from her shock induced stupor. Julie
returns her encouraging smile with her own wry one.
She'll be
fine. She has to be.
“Julie.”
One word. One frikken
word from him is
all it takes for her resolve to melt and her walls to crumble.
Turning to
face him, Julie raises her chin defiantly. No, screw him, he doesn't
just get to walk in here and ruin everything.
She won't
give him that satisfaction.
He
doesn't get that right anymore.
“Hello
Mark.” Her voice is cold and the smile plastered on her face as
fake as Pamela Andersons tits.
Turning to
Sam and Alex, he smiles politely “Samantha, Alex it's good to see
you two again.” They are all stiff and professional, just like
Julie figured they would all be towards each other.
At one
point, they were all best friends.
Then
everything changed and now they're like strangers.
“You
too lieutenant. And congratulations...” Julie tunes the rest of the
conversation out, she doesn't care about that.
Nope, her
attention focusses almost involuntarily on his wedding band. It's
been recently shined. He's happily married then...
Ugh, she's
being so childish!
“Julie?
Julie!?” shaking her head, she takes a step back as if just hearing
her name from him burned her.
“Yes
lieutenant?” She doesn't want to look at him too much. Because
looking would bring back too many memories. And not all of them would
be bad.
Like
memories of his eyes taking in her body hungrily, of his hands
memorizing her every curve, of the feeling of his shuddering muscles
beneath her touch...
No! No! Bad
Julie! He's happily married and thinking about him in any which
way is strictly forbidden from now on!
Forcing
herself back to the current conversation, she barely manages to catch
the last of his sentence “... my office. As soon as possible.”
Nodding
silently, she watches as he turns and heads into the very place he
wants to see her in and lets out a low groan “I think I might need
a drink after this.”
Saying
goodbye to a laughing Sam, with plans to go and get that drink
tonight, Julie turns her attention back to Mark's office and takes a
deep, uneven breath
“Well,
time to find out what he wants.”
…
The meeting
with Mark, a.k.a her new douche of a lieutenant had been anything
less than frikken awkward. She wanted to get out of there any time it
looked like she had a chance, but he seemed intent on keeping her
there. Asking all sorts of questions that she really, really didn't
want to answer.
When she
finally did manage to escape his evil clutches, thanks to her
partner, who she decided is her most favorite person ever, she made a
b-line for the elevator and down to Sam's little corner of the
building. Where she spent the rest of her already wasted morning
watching as her friend dissected dead people.
Fun.
When she
finally did go back up to her desk after lunch, it was only to
complete the paperwork that Mark warned her about.
ASSHOLE.
All things
considering, it was a pretty quiet day for her... surprisingly, but
she has a sneaky suspicion that the next day wouldn't be so quiet...
Unfortunately.
Closing the
last folder, Julie flexes her stiff fingers after tossing her pen
onto the desk with a pain filled groan.
Leaning
back against the chair, she closes her eyes, and ignores her
sniggering partner. He's being a jerk because he's so up to date on
his paperwork, and she isn't “Guys, you ready?” Looking from her
always impeccably dressed friend, down to her own jeans and t-shirt,
Julie nods.
Standing
up, she stretches her wary back before making sure her gun and badge
were strapped safely to her belt and grabbing her jacket, she and
Alex make their way over to Sam “Okay,
miss-even-though-I-spend-most-of-my-whole-frikken-day-in-a-morgue-I-still-manage-to-look-like-I-just-stepped-out-of-a-fashionmagazine.”
Tossing her arm over Sam's shoulder, she grins “Let's go get a
drink.”
Rolling her
eyes, Sam elbows Julie in the ribs, causing her to double over with a
loud 'oof' and take her arm off of Sam's shoulder “Well, it's
better than your usual choice of clothes. I bet that outfit gets you
lots of attention from the ladies.”
Opening her
mouth to protest, Julie just stares at the elevator door for a few
seconds before shaking her head “Yeah okay. I'm not even gonna try
to deny it.” She relents, laughing.
Sam
snickers as the elevator starts it's descent.
…
“Okay
ladies! We're back with sustenance!” Julie yells loudly over the
jukebox, a bowl of peanuts in one hand for Jessica and three long
neck corona's in the other and Alex following close behind her with
his beer.
Sam and
Jessica, their other best friend, turn away from their gawking
at the loud group of very handsome
men in the back- Rockstars, or... wannabe rockstars, there's so many
of them these days it's hard to tell anymore, by the looks of them-
and smiles brightly, taking their bottles from her.
Taking the
first pull from her bottle, Julie pulls herself up onto the barstool
before nodding over to the group of men “So, spot any potential
victims Jess?”
Sam and
Alex roll their eyes at Julie as Jessica laughs out in delight “As
a matter of fact...” Sharing a silent, determined look with Sam,
she turns back to her with twinkling eyes and Julie feels dread form
in her stomach at the all to familiar look “We spotted the perfect
one for you.”
Julie has
to focus on swallowing the drink, unless her friends want to be
sprayed with the sticky fluid. Unfortunately in doing that, she
manages to choke on the fluid and Alex slaps her on her back as she
manages to choke out “Me?”
“Does
it look like I'm man hunting...” Gesturing down to her clothes
after giving him a grateful smile “Dressed like this?”
This time,
Jessica rolls her eyes “Sweetheart, you don't have that desperate
look about you, which is gonna work in your favour! Although...”
Arching an eyebrow at her contemplating look “We might have to get
rid of this...”
Slapping
her hand away as she reaches out to take her gun, Julie glares at her
“If you touch my gun, I will shoot
you.”
“It's
true, she would.” Alex throws in. Julie grins at him
“But,
Julie...” Jessica puts on her most whiny voice and it's Julie's
turn to roll her eyes “They make you look intimidating. And no man
likes to be intimidated by a woman.”
Looking
down at her half empty bottle, Julie jumps off of the stool with a
sigh “Yeah, I knew I was going to need something stronger than
this. Tequila shots anyone?”
“No
thanks Julie.” Jessica declines as she eyes a man walking over to
them, his eyes and smile, trained solely on the tall and curvy red
head.
Sam
grimaces and shakes her head, taking a handful of peanuts. Pushing
her way through the crowd, Julie contemplates taking out her gun and
just shooting her way through. But luckily, she reaches the bar
before things reach that desperate level.
Spotting a
clear spot, she makes her way over and climbs onto the chair.
Flagging down the bartender, Julie sighs in annoyance as she ignores
her, and several other disgruntled customers to continue batting
eyelashes at the one guy.
Her fingers
tap restlessly against the stained wood in time with the song playing
on the jukebox. But when a warm body squeezes in next to her, she
stops her tapping and tenses, a reflex that comes from being a cop.
The person
who squeezed in next to her tries to get the bartender's attention,
but he lets out a sigh as he too is ignored.
Looking up
into the mirror on the wall behind the bar, Julie has to stall
herself from keeling over. The guy is freakin' gorgeous! No wait,
scratch that. He is sexy, rugged and totally drool-worthy. He has a
clean shaven strong jaw and his shaggy, sandy coloured hair hangs
over light eyes that sparkle with humour.
And don't
even get her started on that body! Hell, if she was a nun, she'd be
saying the Hail Mary before ripping off his clothes and doing who
knows what to him.
Mr.
Sex-on-a-stick is getting frustrated and Julie speaks up without
realizing “You'll have to forgive tits-for-brains over there. It's
mating season for the pathetically desperate and sleazy and she's on
the prowl tonight.”
As soon as
the words leave her mouth, Julie wants to shoot herself right then
and there. Probably the worst part is that Mr. Sex-on-a-stick turns
to look at the person talking to him.
His eyes
are the prettiest shade of blue, she notices before her grins
cheekily at her.
“I
like that.” He chuckles, his voice like whiskey; strong and smooth
as he leans against the bar.
“Sadly,
I only speak the truth.” She nods solemnly, but her brown eyes
sparkle with amusement.
He extends
his right hand, a smile on his very handsome
face “I'm Jon.”
Something
in the back of her mind tucks at her, nagging that she's seen him
somewhere before, but she shoves it to the background, pegging it
down to the drinks and takes his offered hand “Julie. It's nice to
meet you Jon.”