Chapter 1

I must be dreaming

Do you know who you're friends are and what they say
Do you know what's coming round again and again?
Do you know if you're acting like someone else?
Do you know if it's dangerous or the safest bet?

Cause I'm here waiting for
I'm here changing more.

Consider me, consider you, consider the world
And what we put it through

Is it always the same or just moving along?
Do you have to put that face up to act strong?

And I can't take anymore, but I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.

…

You are your own worst enemy.

She has never ever believed that statement more than she does at this particular moment.

Because, however sad it may be. It's still very, very true.

Julie stares intently at her laptop screen, her left pyjama glad leg tucked in underneath her. The light from the screen shines dimly in the otherwise dark room.

Her mind races just as quickly as her eyes flit back and forth over the articles she has long ago since memorized.

She doesn't focus on what she's reading, she can't, because her eyes see text but her mind is too wrecked to comprehend anything else, except maybe for the creaking of her chair in time with movements of her leg-

Up-Down; back-forth; up-down...

Her stomach pangs and she swallows hard, the gulping sound the only other distinguishable sound, other then the soft whirring of the laptop, in her room.

She flexes her fingers and inhales deeply. She can feel tension in her body - knotting up in her shoulders -

She's stressed.

It's the reason she can't sleep. The reason why everytime she tries to eat something, she feels like she's about to puke her guts out.

Julie glances at the clock in the corner of her screen and lets out a low sigh.

06:00

Two hours till she has to get to work.

Her leg stops moving and she sits back in her chair. Brown eyes turn back to the article, staying glued to the screen.

She doesn't want to look away.

Correction.

She can't look away.

Because if she does, then she'll look at it.

And she doesn't want to see it... not today.

Today, when her past starts his new job as her new lieutenant.

She just wants to get through today without having to think back at how happy they were... all four of them.

Her best friend and partner.

Her best friend and her partner's girlfriend.

Herself...

… And her then fiancé... Mark.

It's almost hard for her to believe that once upon a time... they really were happy.

She's being childish!

Ugh! Maybe it's because of the lack of sleep?

Who knows?

She leans forward with her head on her desk and, while closing her eyes, she slaps her hand out at it. Knocking the framed photo off of her desk. She doesn't open her eyes until she hears it clatter to the ground and when it does, a warm feeling erupts in her stomach.

A warm feeling that is soon squelched when his voice echo's in her head.

“I can't do this anymore. Too much has happened and you... you've changed.”

She lifts her head and scrubs a hand through hair while pushing herself away from the desk.

Well, of course she's changed... she was held captive and tortured for three days.

She walks over to the window.

You can't really live through something like that and not change.

'No' She thinks, turning away from the window.

She's done with him and trying to figure out the past... she now has to start trying to survive working with him for who knows how long.

Julie takes a deep breath, trying to clear her thoughts of the memories. She needs to get ready for work anyway.

She doesn't look down at the picture of the smiling people she barely even recognizes anymore, when she walks past it towards the door.

…

“My sister didn't sleep again last night...” Fourteen year old Carli says, not looking up from the piece of toast she has been pecking at for the last fifteen minutes.

Samantha and Alex, however, both look up from their respective cups of coffee to look at the teen before sharing a concerned look.

“She tries to act like nothings wrong.” This time, she does look up to give them each a dark glare “But I'm not a scared little girl anymore. I know she's stressed about something. And I know you guys know what the hell it is that she's so worried about.”

Before anyone can say a word, Julie walks into the kitchen. She raises an eyebrow at the silence. Their worried...great.

She walks over to the coffee machine to fill her travle mug. She's late. There isn't time to drink a relaxing cup and she doesn't usually eat breakfast.

“Carli, do you need us to drop you off at school?” She asks, turning around to face her family after filling her mug.

Carli shakes her head and pushes herself away from the table with a sigh, her breakfast now forgotten “No, it's fine. I'm getting a ride from Anna. But thanks.”

Julie nods, her eyes never leaving her baby sister as she grabs her school and clothes bag. Swinging one over her shoulder and clutching the other tightly in her left hand “You staying over at Anna's?” She questions, eyeing the clothes bag questioningly.

“Yes... I told you yesterday remember?” Her sister gives her a weird look and Julie winches.

Crap.

She's so tired that she forgot about that.

“Uh, yeah. Of course I remember. Sorry.” She heads over to Carli and gives her a one armed hug “Enjoy it.” She tries to play it off as nothing, but she doesn't miss the worried glance shared by Sam and Alex...

She can only imagen Carli's look.

A car horn blares outside and she pulls away from Carli with a small smile “Enjoy it. Let me know as soon as you get there.”

Carli rolls her eyes but nods “Okay. See you guys later.” She waves at Sam and Alex before walking out of the door, leaving the rest in awkward silence.

Julie looks down at her mug and Alex stands up with a sigh.

He hates seeing his best friend like this, so he looks at his girlfriend “Okay, you two ready to go?”

…

“You don't have to come up with me you know. I'm a big girl, I'll be fine.” Julie bluffs, turning to Samantha as they clamber out of Julie's car.

Sam rolls her eyes and throws her friend a pointed glare as she closes the door behind her, hard enough to make Julie cringe at the sound “You know, for such a good detective, you really are a terrible liar. He's going to be up there, and I would be the worst best friend in history if I let you go up there alone...” Turning around, Samantha grins at Julie wryly “So yeah, I am coming with you.”

Bluff = Epic Fail.

“But I'm not going up alone.” Right, time to try another tactic. Julie throws her arm around Alex's shoulder “Alex will be with me every step of the way.”

But Sam doesn't even look back at Julie or her boyfriend. Her always determined stride and the loud tapping of her heels on the stone pavement as she heads into the precinct, leaves no room for argument and Julie silently glares at her disappearing back

“So what? You're just going to come up there with me forever?!” She can't help but call after her, but sadly the only response she gets, is weird glances from the police officers walking past her and she rolls her eyes with a scoff.

Swiping a lock of brown hair behind her ear, Julie lets out a low, frustrated sigh. Samantha's right again.... as always.

Damn her.

She starts for the building, grateful for Alex staying close to her.

…

“You can do this. You've moved on. You can do this.”

Julie has been repeating this mental mantra to herself ever since they walked into the building.

So what if Sam was right about her lying about being fine? She was still a grown woman and a detective. And the man that left her with nothing but a fractured heart was only her new lieutenant.

So what?

It'll be fine.

She doesn't know about him. But she's a professional and she would act and treat him as a fellow professional.

“I'll be fine.” She mutters out loud and both Sam and Alex casts supportive and worried glances in her direction, not saying a word further on the matter.

Still, even with all her brave talk, she's unable to stop her heart from beating like a frikken freight train at the thought of seeing him again after almost four years.

And as the elevator doors open and the first voice they hear amongst the bustling of their co-workers is his voice, she can't help the way her body stiffens almost instinctively.

For a minute she stands. Frozen in the shock his voice has instilled in her.

Mark. He's really here. After four years... she's really going to see him again. Maybe now she'll finally get the change to ask him the questions that have been eating at her since he first broke her heart and married another woman.

Jumping as Sam takes her hand, snapping her from her shock induced stupor. Julie returns her encouraging smile with her own wry one.

She'll be fine. She has to be.

“Julie.” One word. One frikken word from him is all it takes for her resolve to melt and her walls to crumble.

Turning to face him, Julie raises her chin defiantly. No, screw him, he doesn't just get to walk in here and ruin everything.

She won't give him that satisfaction.

He doesn't get that right anymore.

“Hello Mark.” Her voice is cold and the smile plastered on her face as fake as Pamela Andersons tits.

Turning to Sam and Alex, he smiles politely “Samantha, Alex it's good to see you two again.” They are all stiff and professional, just like Julie figured they would all be towards each other.

At one point, they were all best friends.

Then everything changed and now they're like strangers.

“You too lieutenant. And congratulations...” Julie tunes the rest of the conversation out, she doesn't care about that.

Nope, her attention focusses almost involuntarily on his wedding band. It's been recently shined. He's happily married then...

Ugh, she's being so childish!

“Julie? Julie!?” shaking her head, she takes a step back as if just hearing her name from him burned her.

“Yes lieutenant?” She doesn't want to look at him too much. Because looking would bring back too many memories. And not all of them would be bad.

Like memories of his eyes taking in her body hungrily, of his hands memorizing her every curve, of the feeling of his shuddering muscles beneath her touch...

No! No! Bad Julie! He's happily married and thinking about him in any which way is strictly forbidden from now on!

Forcing herself back to the current conversation, she barely manages to catch the last of his sentence “... my office. As soon as possible.”

Nodding silently, she watches as he turns and heads into the very place he wants to see her in and lets out a low groan “I think I might need a drink after this.”

Saying goodbye to a laughing Sam, with plans to go and get that drink tonight, Julie turns her attention back to Mark's office and takes a deep, uneven breath

“Well, time to find out what he wants.”

…

The meeting with Mark, a.k.a her new douche of a lieutenant had been anything less than frikken awkward. She wanted to get out of there any time it looked like she had a chance, but he seemed intent on keeping her there. Asking all sorts of questions that she really, really didn't want to answer.

When she finally did manage to escape his evil clutches, thanks to her partner, who she decided is her most favorite person ever, she made a b-line for the elevator and down to Sam's little corner of the building. Where she spent the rest of her already wasted morning watching as her friend dissected dead people.

Fun.

When she finally did go back up to her desk after lunch, it was only to complete the paperwork that Mark warned her about.

ASSHOLE.

All things considering, it was a pretty quiet day for her... surprisingly, but she has a sneaky suspicion that the next day wouldn't be so quiet...

Unfortunately.

Closing the last folder, Julie flexes her stiff fingers after tossing her pen onto the desk with a pain filled groan.

Leaning back against the chair, she closes her eyes, and ignores her sniggering partner. He's being a jerk because he's so up to date on his paperwork, and she isn't “Guys, you ready?” Looking from her always impeccably dressed friend, down to her own jeans and t-shirt, Julie nods.

Standing up, she stretches her wary back before making sure her gun and badge were strapped safely to her belt and grabbing her jacket, she and Alex make their way over to Sam “Okay, miss-even-though-I-spend-most-of-my-whole-frikken-day-in-a-morgue-I-still-manage-to-look-like-I-just-stepped-out-of-a-fashionmagazine.” Tossing her arm over Sam's shoulder, she grins “Let's go get a drink.”

Rolling her eyes, Sam elbows Julie in the ribs, causing her to double over with a loud 'oof' and take her arm off of Sam's shoulder “Well, it's better than your usual choice of clothes. I bet that outfit gets you lots of attention from the ladies.”

Opening her mouth to protest, Julie just stares at the elevator door for a few seconds before shaking her head “Yeah okay. I'm not even gonna try to deny it.” She relents, laughing.

Sam snickers as the elevator starts it's descent.

…

“Okay ladies! We're back with sustenance!” Julie yells loudly over the jukebox, a bowl of peanuts in one hand for Jessica and three long neck corona's in the other and Alex following close behind her with his beer. 

Sam and Jessica, their other best friend, turn away from their gawking at the loud group of very handsome men in the back- Rockstars, or... wannabe rockstars, there's so many of them these days it's hard to tell anymore, by the looks of them- and smiles brightly, taking their bottles from her.

Taking the first pull from her bottle, Julie pulls herself up onto the barstool before nodding over to the group of men “So, spot any potential victims Jess?”

Sam and Alex roll their eyes at Julie as Jessica laughs out in delight “As a matter of fact...” Sharing a silent, determined look with Sam, she turns back to her with twinkling eyes and Julie feels dread form in her stomach at the all to familiar look “We spotted the perfect one for you.”

Julie has to focus on swallowing the drink, unless her friends want to be sprayed with the sticky fluid. Unfortunately in doing that, she manages to choke on the fluid and Alex slaps her on her back as she manages to choke out “Me?”

“Does it look like I'm man hunting...” Gesturing down to her clothes after giving him a grateful smile “Dressed like this?”

This time, Jessica rolls her eyes “Sweetheart, you don't have that desperate look about you, which is gonna work in your favour! Although...” Arching an eyebrow at her contemplating look “We might have to get rid of this...”

Slapping her hand away as she reaches out to take her gun, Julie glares at her “If you touch my gun, I will shoot you.”

“It's true, she would.” Alex throws in. Julie grins at him

“But, Julie...” Jessica puts on her most whiny voice and it's Julie's turn to roll her eyes “They make you look intimidating. And no man likes to be intimidated by a woman.”

Looking down at her half empty bottle, Julie jumps off of the stool with a sigh “Yeah, I knew I was going to need something stronger than this. Tequila shots anyone?”

“No thanks Julie.” Jessica declines as she eyes a man walking over to them, his eyes and smile, trained solely on the tall and curvy red head.

Sam grimaces and shakes her head, taking a handful of peanuts. Pushing her way through the crowd, Julie contemplates taking out her gun and just shooting her way through. But luckily, she reaches the bar before things reach that desperate level.

Spotting a clear spot, she makes her way over and climbs onto the chair. Flagging down the bartender, Julie sighs in annoyance as she ignores her, and several other disgruntled customers to continue batting eyelashes at the one guy.

Her fingers tap restlessly against the stained wood in time with the song playing on the jukebox. But when a warm body squeezes in next to her, she stops her tapping and tenses, a reflex that comes from being a cop.

The person who squeezed in next to her tries to get the bartender's attention, but he lets out a sigh as he too is ignored.

Looking up into the mirror on the wall behind the bar, Julie has to stall herself from keeling over. The guy is freakin' gorgeous! No wait, scratch that. He is sexy, rugged and totally drool-worthy. He has a clean shaven strong jaw and his shaggy, sandy coloured hair hangs over light eyes that sparkle with humour.

And don't even get her started on that body! Hell, if she was a nun, she'd be saying the Hail Mary before ripping off his clothes and doing who knows what to him.

Mr. Sex-on-a-stick is getting frustrated and Julie speaks up without realizing “You'll have to forgive tits-for-brains over there. It's mating season for the pathetically desperate and sleazy and she's on the prowl tonight.”

As soon as the words leave her mouth, Julie wants to shoot herself right then and there. Probably the worst part is that Mr. Sex-on-a-stick turns to look at the person talking to him.

His eyes are the prettiest shade of blue, she notices before her grins cheekily at her.

“I like that.” He chuckles, his voice like whiskey; strong and smooth as he leans against the bar.

“Sadly, I only speak the truth.” She nods solemnly, but her brown eyes sparkle with amusement.

He extends his right hand, a smile on his very handsome face “I'm Jon.”

Something in the back of her mind tucks at her, nagging that she's seen him somewhere before, but she shoves it to the background, pegging it down to the drinks and takes his offered hand “Julie. It's nice to meet you Jon.”